“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you,” (Ephesians 4:31–32, NIV) 

If we’re doing our best to live peaceably, why does conflict escalate between those we love?

Saturday morning, my teen acted grumpy. To cheer her, I cooked her breakfast and told jokes.

She ignored my culinary skills and my humor. I quickly reasoned my daughter thought I stink as a mom and she would rather spend Saturday with anyone else. Feeling rejected, I felt tempted to dish back negativity by returning the silent treatment I judged I was receiving from her. 

Simmering internally, eventually I might choose to vent my hurt with a spiced jab. How easy to say, “Is your homework done? You better keep those grades above C level.” 

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all,” Paul instructed in Romans 12:18. (ESV) If we’re doing our best to live peaceably, why does conflict escalate between those we love?

Recipe for Conflict

As families, we’re practiced at the 5 R’s. These are the ingredients:

1.     Something happens, is said, done, not said, or not done. As a result, I feel Rejected. That Saturday morning, my efforts to cheer my daughter were refused.

2.     Rejection feels yucky, so I become Resentful about feeling rejected. In my resentment, I whipped up a story to explain why my teen acted unhappy.

3.     Resentful, I Resist relationship with the person I feel resentful toward. I dished up a healthy serving of the silent treatment for my daughter.

4.     Resistance leads to Revenge. Verbal attacks about my daughter’s homework are digs designed to hurt because I felt she hurt me.

5.     Repeat. Unresolved, this cycle repeats until my relationship is damaged beyond repair. My daughter did not engage with me, so I disengaged from her, she distanced herself from my jabs, I felt rejected, and the hurtful pattern repeated.

These 5 R’s are the ingredients that destroy relationships: rejection, resentment, resistance, revenge, repeat.

Families marinate in the cycle. People unthinkingly play their parts. Think of the aunt perpetually offended by someone in the family, the relative who plays favorites, and the sibling who pouts when he doesn’t get all the attention.

This is the foundation for holidays where folks gather, emotionally abuse one another, and have pie.

Practice Makes Permanent 

The first step to change the destructive pattern is to become aware of the active presence of the 5 R’s in our lives. When you find yourself in one of the 5 R’s, take these steps immediately to improve your relationship.

1.     Resentment is a negative emotional reaction to what you think was said or done, not said or not done. Resentment appears as drama words in your vocabulary: need, perfect, should.

•    “He needs to . . .” 
•    “I’m not perfect, but . . .”
•    “She should . . .” 

   When you are stuck in drama, you are stuck in resentment.

Solution: Shift to gratitude.

•    “I’m grateful he . . .” 
•    “What fun to . . .”
•    “I’m thankful she . . .”

2.     Resistance squelches connection. Avoiding eye contact and giving the silent treatment is shutting down emotionally and relationally toward another.

Solution: Engage. Make eye contact and have conversations. Get clarity by saying, “The story I’m making up in my head about ________ is _______________.”

3.     Revenge is taking advantage of a situation to hurt another. Saying something like, “Now he will know how it feels” or “Serves her right” or “He had it coming,” indicates revenge.

Solution: Extend generosity to the person you feel revengeful toward. Does the person deserve generosity? Probably not. That’s why it’s called grace.

Perhaps the person who hurt you is not safe. An abusive spouse or business partner who ripped you off are unsafe. In such situations be generous elsewhere so you don’t become bitter.

4.     Repeat. A sour pattern is to believe because you are hurt, you have the right to be unkind and hurtful. Then you hurt someone, and they hurt you, and you are offended, and they are offended, and in that offense both parties sink deeply into the 5 R’s.

Solution: Release others from your expectations of how they should act or behave.

“Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult,” says Proverbs 12:16 (NKJV).

Fact Versus Fiction

The moment you feel rejected is your opportunity to choose. Choose to mix up a familiar yet painful recipe of the 5 R’s, or choose grace, health, and joy. The life-giving solution comes by sticking to the facts.

To my grouchy teen, I said, “The story I’m making up in my head right now is that I stink as a parent and you’d rather be anywhere than here with me.” 

My teen responded with a completely baffled expression. “I just learned the boy I babysit has leukemia.” Note to self: Most folks are not even thinking about me.

Truth Bomb

The truth is, most things people say or don’t say, do or don’t do, accidentally do or don’t do rarely have anything to do with you. Yes, that’s a lot of do-do. We’re doing our best to live as well as we can. And the best we can do is

• stick to the facts
• be graciously generous
• practice gratitude
• not take ourselves or others too seriously

The truth is, most things people say or don’t say, do or don’t do, accidentally do or don’t do rarely have anything to do with you. Yes, that’s a lot of do-do.

Occasionally, those closest to us do reject us. Rejection is nobody’s favorite. But as long as we breathe, rejection is an ingredient of life. We learn from both pain and rejection. The most vital decision is how we respond. The 5 R’s are the antithesis of maturity, healthy relationships, and good adulting.

Without the 5 R’s, gatherings can resemble heartfelt scenes from Hallmark films. We drop defenses, cheer others, celebrate beloveds, enjoy relationships, and laugh until milk comes out our noses.

Gatherings without the added ingredients of the 5 Rs are none of the emotional drama and all of the pie.

Find practical tips and tangible helps in The Ten Best Decisions A Single Mom Can Make by Pam Farrel and PeggySue Wells. Single Mom and parenting resources are available at SingleMomCircle.com