We all know infatuated feelings will fade in time, but there is something much more powerful than infatuation that holds a marriage together, and on the flip side, it creates more feeling! It’s not like infatuation, but it lasts much longer and is more suitable for a fulfilling life. Infatuation is delicious, but brings with it a lot of insecurity, sometimes desperation, and a lack of focus on anything else, which makes it problematic for other relationships and life aims.
That’s why I think we should value and build our relationships on something else: purpose. Christians shouldn’t worry about falling out of love. We should be more concerned about falling out of purpose.
What Psychologist Angela Duckworth says is essential for vocational satisfaction is equally important for marital satisfaction. In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance Duckworth writes, “What ripens passion is the conviction that your work matters. For most people, interest without purpose is nearly impossible to sustain for a lifetime. It is therefore imperative that you identify your work as both personally interesting and, at the same time, integrally connected to the well-being of others.”
Think about this in these terms: Passion without purpose is nearly impossible to sustain for a lifetime. An infatuation with no greater end than our own delight is like soap bubbles, fog, and a sunset—fascinating and ephemeral at the same time.
My own marriage has deepened to the same extent that Lisa and I have purposed to help others. It is currently being renewed as we dedicate ourselves to serving a new church here in Colorado. We have new energy, new passion, and new zest not because we’re focusing on us, but because we’re focusing on something else. We both know our marriage isn’t simply about ourselves anymore (it never really was), and we continue to grow in respect and appreciation for each other as we each seek to extend ourselves on behalf of others. Lisa is full of new ideas about how to serve the community we’re a part of and it’s natural that you feel more affection toward, and more respect for, someone who is doing unselfish things. And when we offer ourselves to God, He empowers us with His Holy Spirit so that we can do more through Him than we could ever do on our own—all the while drawing out our spouse’s respect and admiration in the process.
My book A Lifelong Love has an entire section on how important a sense of mission is to a thriving marriage, including how to find that mission. I describe what I call “the magnificent obsession” as being partners who aim to live out, together, Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:33 to seek first his Kingdom—to focus on accomplishing His work above our own personal agendas. Whether that leads you to dedicate your lives to the arenas of education, small business, the arts, or the local church, your relationship has an ultimate purpose that goes beyond your happiness and seeks to lift up others.
The best relationships have plenty of delight, but delight is sort of like icing—while you may crave it, it only makes you hungrier sooner rather than later if there isn’t something substantive beneath it. Think of “romance” as the icing and “service” as the substance. You don’t have to choose one over the other, of course, but you will eventually lose interest in the icing if you never follow it up with substance.
This line of thought may not sound “romantic” to some of you, but living a life of purpose has given me more romantic feelings for my wife, not less. So, to increase the passion in your marriage, or even to sustain the passion in your marriage, double down on purpose and mission.
Every marriage has seasons, and if you’re younger your season might be focused on raising your children well. That’s a Matthew 6:33 purpose, as long as you’re raising them to become disciples of Christ and not just well-educated, well-mannered, and culturally “successful.”
Maybe you and your spouse can get involved in leading or hosting an Alpha class for non-believers at your local church. Our church in Colorado has an amazing weekly “grocery store” that feeds hundreds and requires lots of volunteers. One of you might decide to run for office. Perhaps you’ll choose to coach a child’s soccer team, but you’ll be prayerful and focused on more than winning games—you’ll look for creative opportunities to share the love of Christ.
Trying to spice things up in the bedroom or come up with more creative dates is all fine and at times necessary. But for long-term marriage to thrive, purpose is just as essential. So talk about how the two of you can use the resources and influence God has given you to have a new and greater impact on others in His name. Sustained passion needs purpose. If you want to build and keep the passion, you’ve got to find and build the purpose.
Author Info
Gary Thomas
Gary Thomas’ writing and speaking focuses on bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others. He is the author of over 20 books that together have sold two million copies. He is the teaching pastor at Cherry Hills Community Church in Highlands Ranch, Colorado and an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon. Find Gary at www.garythomas.com.