Jesus is for unity, and he remains for you and for your partner even when the struggle is real.

The closest we ever get to grand conspiracy in our home revolves around my husband Carey and me and a tiny device that doesn’t cook, clean or entertain.  By no means does it get attention by its outer appeal. It gets touched A LOT.  

It’s an instigator, a disturber, at the center of much turmoil.

Maybe you’ve guessed what I’m talking about – the thermostat.

Over the course of the day when Carey and I are home, we both float by it when the other isn’t around. A nudge up here, a little lower there.  Often when I look at it, the temperature smirks from where I don’t want it to be.

Hence, what happened in our living room one winter morning.  Which culminated in,

“Looks like our relationship is one-sided.”

“Yeah, well you can just head back to Dallas.”

That’s what reverberated out of the heat of the moment.  (Actually though, there was precious little heat, that was the problem). 

Careless words tumbled out, betraying what we deep down believed or desired.

A half hour later, our embraces and tender apologies restored peace but the thermostat sat there, pretending to be innocent.

Self-defensive postures and self-defensive words do nothing but promote division. I’m a self-professed follower of Jesus, and I know it doesn’t sync up. Jesus is for unity, and he remains for you and for your partner even when the struggle is real.

Oh honestly, I would be a hypocrite if I portrayed myself as one who always gets this right.  Sometimes my execution doesn’t meet with my aspirations, or my learning.  Sigh.  

How to lean in and drop self-defensiveness

Here’s a strategy that has worked for me.  It tests your trust in God as your ultimate defender. The stance is, “I don’t need to defend myself. Jesus, please be my defender.” To the extent needed, far exceeding my abilities, God is more than able to be my defender. I can safely drop self-defensiveness and be open to hearing Carey’s complaints, knowing that I am covered by God’s steadfast love and protection.

To the extent needed, far exceeding my abilities, God is more than able to be my defender. I can safely drop self-defensiveness and be open to hearing Carey’s complaints…

Scripture reminds us about God’s commitment to protect those who turn to him for refuge:

“If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.” – Psalm 91:9 (NIV)

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” – Psalm 54: 4 (NIV)

“The Lord will rescue his servants; no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.” – Psalm 34:22 (NIV)

Self-defensiveness is a rotten branch on the tree of your life – one that for your own flourishing must be dealt with and frankly, lopped off. Self defense is all tangled up with pride.  On the other hand, being open to hearing what you may not want to hear is rooted in humility.  So I ask you, which posture – pride or humility – is more likely to lead you toward healing and intimacy in your marriage?

When Carey and I are heading toward a heated stalemate, it’s time for me to pray a silent prayer. I’ll let Carey know I need some time alone and move away. After all, I may need to calm down if my emotions are heated or I’ve been triggered. I may need some deep breaths or movement or fresh air. 

Then, I pray along the lines of what Thomas Merton suggests: “Please Jesus, open the eyes of my heart to your Divine light.” I pray that for Carey, too. And I go on,  “Help me, and help Carey to see any powers of darkness at work.  How did I contribute to this mess?  What do I need to confess?  Help me to find your way through this, Jesus.”

I don’t come with clean hands.  Chances are, I’ve said something sarcastic, or cutting, or the like.  I need to own whatever the Spirit shows me by actually following through, apologizing and offering to make it right. 

There’s no one way to do this, friend.  It works for me to have time on my own, but perhaps it works for you two to pray this prayer together. The bottom line is to drop self-defensiveness and trust God to guide you to own your part.  You may just find the beginnings of transformed conflict, where growth replaces stuck. What I’ve discovered is, at this point in our marriage we can often neatly side step the ups and downs of heated arguments, including the wars our thermostat plots and all that.

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1 Merton, Thomas. New Seeds of Contemplation. (New York, New Directions Publishing Co, 2007) at 130