She was two when she lost her favorite stuffed bear, the one she carried with her everywhere. After searching and searching, she heard the words her mom said, “Sweetheart, I just don’t think we will find your bear,” yet she still looked day after day in her closet and around the house for him. She was sure he was hiding and was determined to find her beloved stuffie.
He was four when his grandpa (fondly known as Poppa) died. They were best friends. His Poppa took him on tractor rides, played catch with him, and after supper Poppa would tell or read stories to his grandson. When Poppa got sick and immanently died, the boy didn’t understand why his Poppa had left him.
There are so many reasons children feel grief. We easily recognize a child’s grief at the death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, or someone who has been instrumental in the child’s life. However, like the two-year-old girl who lost her favorite stuffie, a child’s heart can grieve from the loss of friends, a pet, a divorce or separation of parents, a move, health issues of a loved one, or almost anything that disrupts what is normal to them. Even while bringing a new baby into a household may be a happy occasion for the child, it could inwardly cause the loss of being an only child or the youngest child.
Grief is hard at any age regardless of how many times we have encountered loss or tragedy. Adults can typically share feelings and process loss. Children, however, do not have the vocabulary to tell others what they feel deep inside. Even on a normal day without the added emotions of grief, young children are not able to express how they feel. Many times, they do not understand why they feel the way they do.
As parents, or those who care for children, we may wonder how to best help them with the grief they hold inside. The answer depends upon the child’s own temperament and their age. However, there are certain practices that can help most any child. The most important comes from scripture; “Point your kids in the right direction—and when they’re old they won’t be lost” Psalm 22:6 (MSG). Teaching them about God’s love helps them learn they will never be alone, and knowing they can trust God, provides security even amid the most difficult times.
Teaching [grieving children] about God’s love helps them learn they will never be alone, and knowing they can trust God, provides security even amid the most difficult times.
Even if a child shows no struggles, it doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing them. Knowing this, it is important to plant the seeds of how much they are loved by God and those around them. If they are a toddler, use simple ways to help them learn this such as, “God loves you; God loves me: God will always be with me.” Give it a beat or a tune and have the child point at you, then at him/herself, and then pat their heart area. Or make up any similar rhyme using scripture as a foundation. These go with the rhyme above: “I am with you always,” Matthew 28:20a (NIV), “God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit….” Romans 5:5 (NIV), “We love because He first loved us” 1 John 4:19 (NIV).
Most children younger than five have no concept of the permanency of death. They often believe the missing person will return like they do in cartoons. While they do not fear death as many elementary age children do, they do fear separation. They sense something is different at home and notice the behaviors and emotions of those around them. This may cause them to feel insecure and become afraid, which may cause them to become more clingy, irritable, stubborn, have changes in their eating or sleeping patterns, or even regress to a previous developmental stage, such as bedwetting. Sit with them, hug them, explain you know they miss whomever (or whatever) it is.
Playtime is important. Allow the child to have fun and play with them. This adds to their feeling of security and being loved. It can be as simple as sitting on the floor and playing with building blocks, trucks, or dolls. Involve them in conversation in this more relaxed atmosphere.
When children are four or five, have them draw pictures about how they feel and then tell you about what they drew. Ask simple questions related to their drawing. Ask them why they used certain colors or who is or is not in the picture. Teach them songs like, “Jesus Loves the Little Children” and then ask, “Who does Jesus love?” Have them shout, “Me!”
Young children may ask repetitive questions or show confusion because they are not able to process what they feel. Keep answering their questions even if they become frustrating! Tell them how you feel. It is good for them to know you are sad, angry, lonely (or however you feel). It helps them understand and verbalize their feelings. It also helps them know their feelings are normal.
It is also important when a child asks questions about death to give honest answers. Explain death in ways they will understand according to their age level. Use words such as dead or death rather than sleeping or gone. The latter can lead the child to think they may wake up or return. For younger children using insects, plants, and even pets can help in their understanding. If you have ever received a bouquet of flowers, talk about how they died. Remember, children before age five do not fear death. They feel separation and being alone (which is why they need to understand God is always with them!).
When a parent or sibling (or someone who lived in the household) has died, it may be difficult to keep a regular schedule. However, this is the time children need routine. Keeping routines helps a child feel secure, which is so important. Just like keeping routines is important, so is consistent discipline. If they are misbehaving, let them know you understand they miss whomever, or feel sad, show love and compassion but maintain discipline.
Even though a child may not be able to identify what they are feeling, hearing about others’ losses reinforces normalcy and God’s love.
Reading books about loss and God’s presence can help a child understand their feelings. Even though a child may not be able to identify what they are feeling, hearing about others’ losses reinforces normalcy and God’s love. Reading can also provide a springboard for discussion. A few good books are Heaven, God’s Promise for Me by Anne Graham Lotz, Just in Case You Ever Wonder, by Max Lucado, Fly High Understanding Grief with God’s Help, by Michelle Medlock Adams and Janet K Johnson, and The Invisible String, by Patrice Karst.
Young children are resilient. Being aware of changes in their behavior, spending time with them, getting them to talk (as much as possible), asking them what they think death is, and continually reminding them of God’s presence and love for them (and for the one who is missing) can bring comfort and help the child heal from their loss. If they can understand the way they loved being with the person they lost is the same way God enjoys being with them, it lays a foundation not only for the loss they currently are experiencing but for the difficulties they will face in years to come.
Author Info
Janet Johnson
Janet K Johnson is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor, and mentor in spiritual formation. Formational in Janet’s growing deeper in love with God, was her journey in grief. Janet found God’s unending love permeating each situation bringing healing, inner peace, and joy into each day. Her life passage of scripture is from Nehemiah 6:8, “The joy of the Lord is my strength.”