What if the way your spouse treats you isn’t about you and him, but about him? What if you’re taking a particular offense about your spouse’s general demeanor that doesn’t reflect on you at all? What if you could enjoy your marriage more if you learned not to take things personally and chose not to be offended?

Several people have recommended Brant Hanson’s book Unoffendable to me, and I’m just getting around to reading it. I haven’t finished it yet, but I can say this: I like Hanson’s style and I think I’d really like him as a person. The book has a compelling premise: what if Christians should be the most unoffendable people on the planet?

Being offended won’t change your spouse, but learning not to be offended will change you in many positive ways.

The reader who put me over the edge to read this book is a wife who had applied it to her marriage, with raving reviews. Her husband is quick to discount her opinions and to immediately correct her. The problem is, he’s often wrong. They were on a hike with another couple when someone asked, “How much longer do we have to go?” The wife said, “About a mile and a half.”

“Oh, no” her husband said immediately. “It’s just about a mile, maybe a tiny bit more.”

The wife was frustrated that her husband was correcting her on something that was so minor. And if it was just “a touch over a mile,” was it worth pointing out the difference between “a little over a mile” and “a mile and a half?” She was all the more sensitive to this because little corrections like this happen all the time. It gets old. 

Turns out she has Strava (an app that tracks distance), so she checked how long it was from the point of discussion to their car. It was exactly a mile and a half, almost to the yard. 

These little annoying things can easily become fights of the week in a marriage and then accumulate to become mega storms. She had raised this issue before, and here, for the hundredth time, was evidence that her husband shouldn’t be so quick to correct her. Sometimes, she was right. 

But here’s her take after reading Unoffendable: “I realized he does this with everybody. It’s not about me, it’s about him. I take it personally, but since it’s something that he does with everyone, it’s silly to take it personally. It’s who he is, it’s not a statement about my intellect.”

I’m not saying—and she’s not saying—that it’s wrong or harmful to bring up persistent character patterns like this that aren’t healthy. What I’m saying (and what I think she and Brant Hanson are saying) is that we will be much happier and healthier if we learn to stop taking offense over things like this. Deal with it, but don’t be offended by it. It’s not about you. It’s about him. It’s not your issue, so don’t make it your issue. It’s his issue. Raise it in a healthy way and learn to let go of it. 

This doesn’t have to revolve around a point of “sin.” I felt bad last weekend because I preached three times on Sunday (our church has added an early chapel service). As an introvert, putting myself out there in front of three different crowds, and then talking in between services, can wipe me out. I came home, read a lot, watched some football, but mostly kept to myself, which I know isn’t the first choice for my wife. I finally said at the end of the day, just as a reminder, “I just want you to know that the reason I act like such an introvert after I preach three times is because I am.” 

It’s not that I don’t enjoy being around her. It’s not that I don’t enjoy talking to her. It’s not about her at all. In this case, after I preach three times, it’s about me. 

Being offended won’t change your spouse, but learning not to be offended will change you in many positive ways. You won’t lose your joy over a spouse’s character trait. You won’t obsess over how you’ve been treated. For this wife to be offended that her husband corrected her, or my wife to be offended that I prefer some quiet alone time after preaching three times, is like being surprised when you jump in a lake and come out wet.  The wife can’t be in her marriage and not be corrected; Lisa knows I need some alone time. 

What are you most offended about in your marriage? If it’s not something that threatens your marriage (like betrayal or abuse), find a healthy way (usually not in the heat of the moment) to bring it up, and then learn to let it go: “That’s his issue, not mine.” If you’re worried that the behavior will continue, just ask yourself how well it’s worked to be offended by it. Did that work?

Didn’t think so.

This is about your sanity and spiritual health, not marital change. It’s a tool of differentiation, which we’ve talked about before and deserves more attention. Differentiation is an essential component of a marriage between two people who stumble in many ways (James 3:2) and learning not to take offense or at least stay offended is a vital part of that.