“Now that my kids are adult children,” I confided to my mentor, “I’m not sure how to be their parent.”

She nodded knowingly. “Let’s see what Scripture says.”

How we interact with our adult kids and their children can be uplifting or, as family coach Linda Goldfarb says, can “push down their head.”

The transition from decision-maker in charge of your growing child to having an adult child happens in a day. The arrival of that eighteenth birthday, according to our culture, signifies your child is legally an adult. Parenting consists of 18 years of preparing children to function as grown-ups and contributing members of society.

There is little to no preparation for the mom or dad who shifts into the role of parent to an adult child.

Yet, there is little to no preparation for the mom or dad who shifts into the role of parent to an adult child. Parents who do their job well, work themselves out of a job. After years of caring for dependent youngsters, our identity is obsolete.

New role

Parents of adult children trade their long-held position of responsible authority for a four-part job description.

• Love your child
• Pray for your child
• Be your child’s cheerleader
• Treat your grown child with the dignity due an adult

Making this transition with grace and integrity nurtures the new relationship dynamic. Strained relationships between parent and grown child form when a parent doesn’t release control over their now adult child.

Insisting on your opinions or the methods you used to parent can alienate your adult child and their family.

Don’t Talk Through The Grandchildren

Manipulation through word or action is the opposite of building a relationship where both sides feel safe. Trust is the casualty when parents talk to their adult child through comments made to grandchildren.

“I would give you dessert but your daddy said no.”

“You look cold. Your mother must have forgotten your coat.”

Similarly, making plans with grandchildren before talking with parents can cause tension.

“It’s all settled. The children want to sleep over Friday night.”

“I already told the kids we’re going to the park tomorrow.”

Instead, initiate a peaceful conversation that honors your adult child as your grandchild’s parent. Ask parents first before inviting grandchildren for an activity.

“I’d like to take the kids to the zoo, how does that sound to you?”

“Keep me in mind if you’d like me to pick up the kids from school.”

“I’m happy to care for the children if you want to go out.”

Defer to the parent’s preferences for your grandchildren around diet, education options, sleep routines, and toilet training. Neglecting to do so can cause tension.

“I know you said no dairy, but he wanted two scoops of that Superman ice cream.”

“They watched that movie you said would scare them and they did fine.”

Such scenarios cause parents to make a mental note to give an allergy medication when they arrive home and brace for a possible nightmare that night.

Manipulation through word or action is the opposite of building a relationship where both sides feel safe.

Generation gap

Remember how you felt when you were a young adult, recall the support you wanted from your parents. Standing shoulder to shoulder with parents raising their children, ask how you can be supportive.

Parenting practices for one generation differ in the next. When you don’t understand, ask. Adult kids have unlimited information at their fingertips, are typically well-researched, and will share their findings.

“In my generation, parents did things this way,” is a non-confrontational way to understand one another. “How do you prefer?”

Pediatricians told me to place my babies on their stomachs to sleep. The reasoning was that if the babe spit up, they would not choke. Pediatricians today tell parents to lay infants on their back when sleeping as a precaution against Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Both practices were based on the intention of what is best for the baby.

How to give advice to adult children

Certainly, be available to offer advice when asked. Occasionally, I ask my adult child, “Are you open for feedback?”

Sometimes the answer is no.

One child responds, “I know you have something you want to say, so say it.”

“I will support whatever decision you make,” I begin. “And another option for your decision-making toolbox is (insert my helpful tip).”

Despite the reality that your adult child raises kids—your grandchildren—differently than you raised yours or differently than you think they should, keep criticism to yourself. Have a trusted friend you can share these thoughts with, but only briefly. Acknowledge the many ways you admire your adult child. Pray for them. A critical attitude quickly expands and is uncomfortable to be around.

In God’s perfect plan, he gave this child to this parent. Your grown kids are the chosen ones to be mom or dad. Additionally, each adult child has their own journey through life. When they make decisions you don’t agree with, remember that God is at work even in this.

Of course, if an environment is unsafe for children, get counsel on how to intervene with a process that is in the best interest of the family.

Lift your adult child’s head

Each generation has signature lifestyles and parenting styles. Our grown children live in a unique time, navigating through their own particular set of circumstances. Each generation benefits from the other. Relationships flourish with generous servings of grace and love.

Are you pushing down your adult child’s head? Parents lift the heads of their adult children by treating them with the respect given to friends and other favorite adults. Parents and their grown children are adults together.