“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16 (ESV)
For some of us, shame is like a second language. Family cultures and church cultures can leave us using shame as our primary method of motivating and relating.
Shame is something humanity has wrestled with since the Fall. In Genesis 3, we see that once Adam and Eve realized what they had done, they covered themselves in fig leaves, effectively hiding from each other. They also hid from God.
None of us enjoy how shame makes us feel. We don’t crave the feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy it creates in us. That discomfort is precisely what causes so many of us to attempt to use it to motivate correct behavior. We believe that if we can just get a person to feel bad enough about themselves then they’ll stop doing what they’re doing. We mistakenly send the message that their worth and value are dependent on our approval.
Shame doesn’t work and here are three reasons why:
Shame destroys community.
Shame drives us away from relationship and forces us to face problems on our own. It tells us that our status in relationship to others is dependent on our performance and value. Shame leads us to believe that relationships are unstable and unsafe.
In their book, The Cry of the Soul, Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III point out that shame involves a fear of being known and exposed. Put another way, shame causes us to say, “If you really knew who I was, you wouldn’t love me.”
As an alternative, grace is always geared toward reconciliation. In Hebrews 4:15-16, we are reminded that Jesus is familiar with our weaknesses and temptations and yet lived sinlessly. The conclusion then is not, “So get your act together and figure it out. If Jesus can do it, so can you.” Instead, the call is to come to Him with confidence so He can help.
God’s response to our fear of being discovered is, “I’ve always known who you are and I’m inviting you to come here.”
Shame destroys our identity.
Noted shame researcher, Brene Brown, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”[1] (emphasis mine) At its core, shame seeks to redefine who we are. We are flawed. We are unlovable. We are failures. We are messed up. We can never get this right.
But these are all lies.
God is not naïve to our weaknesses, temptations, and tendency to sin. Our inability to figure this out for ourselves is a hinge pin of the Gospel. None of us get it right. But Romans 5:8 tells us that even when we were getting it all wrong, God still loved us. That means even in the middle of our sin and struggle, we are not only lovable, we are loved. Even at our lowest, when we keep messing up, the Holy One sees value and worth in us.
Grace is the answer for our flaws, failures, and weaknesses.
Shame makes us hide.
Shame is a weapon—of the enemy. Anything that drives us away from God or leads us to believe lies about God cannot be of God. But how many times do we try to weaponize shame ourselves, using it as a tool to get the outcome we desire? We see it in churches. We see it in families. We see it in marriages.
Here’s the truth: shame doesn’t help us make good decisions; it just makes us lie about the bad ones.
Rest assured, shame is not a tool God carries in His toolbox. It destroys intimacy, relationships, communities, and ministries. Instead, we read in Romans 2:4 that God’s kindness is meant to lead us to repentance. Not His impatience. Not His frustration. Not His shaming of us, but His kindness toward us.
Shame is a tool of the enemy, an enemy who came to steal, kill, and destroy. Let’s not fall into the trap of trying to use it against others. Since the fall of man and the introduction of sin into the world, God has always offered a different way.
Grace is God’s desire to close the gap and restore us to relationship with Him. We have the opportunity to be ambassadors of that grace and combat shame in our families, churches, and communities.
[1] Shame vs. Guilt – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)
Learn more with Quenched: Discovering God’s Abundant Grace for Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Shame
Author Info
Jessica Harris
Jessica Harris is a writer and international speaker who talks openly and honestly about pornography addiction among Christian women in order to facilitate healing. Her book, Quenched: Discovering God’s Abundant Grace for Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Shame was released in January (Baker Books).