Anger Redeemed

I remember sitting in the passenger seat, staring out of the car window as the Texas Hill Country passed by. My husband David and I were headed to a little getaway on a beautiful spring day, so of course we were fighting. We pulled into a gas station and grabbed some snacks, which was a welcome break from the intensity of our conflict. Back on the road, we munched on beef jerky and I began another round of “You always” and “I never”. It felt like we were getting absolutely nowhere, but at some point in the midst of our 347^th marriage meltdown, I remember making a profound discovery. 

If you struggle with anger, don’t give up. Walk in participation with the Holy Spirit as He leads you forward.

“Wait a minute. So you’re sitting here telling me that my anger toward you is not a motivator for long-term change?” I stared at the man I loved, honored, cherished, and sometimes resented more than any other human.

“Nope.”

“How is that possible? If you were mad at me, I would change what I was doing. I’ve been mad at you for like ten years and you still do the same things. So, you’re telling me my anger did nothing?”

“Yeah, I guess.” He kinda shrugged and also had a tiny sparkle of defiance in those handsome brown eyes. 

Unbelievable. Infuriating.

We’d been married for a solid decade at that point. We’d been through good times and bad, including job loss, several moves, severe depression, years of infertility, being foster parents and adopting our beautiful children. We began our marriage with over $100,000 of debt and both of us worked in non-profit ministry jobs. Money was always an issue and it often felt like we were being crushed by a mountain of minimum payments. The attempts over the years to budget and be frugal had been long and painstaking. God always provided, but it often felt like our heads were barely above water, even after years of sacrifice. I couldn’t see a way out and in my disappointment and desperation, I just saw all of the mistakes. This couldn’t be my life and shouldn’t be my reality. 

Obviously it was all his fault. At least that’s what I believed to be true. I became laser focused on blaming him. He should feel terrible about where we were and change his ways. Most men love that sentiment. Disparaging and bitter words are typically super helpful when coming from a spouse. Husbands tend to respond really well to mean, angry accusations, especially if you cuss a little. 

When you spell it out like that, it’s so obviously not true, but up to that point, I had lived as if it was. My anger felt like a powerful tool. It felt necessary. It felt vastly more effective than the version of accountability and teamwork that included grace, kindness and respect.

Turns out, James was right when he said, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20 (ESV)

“For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Not even my righteous indignation. Not even wrapped in every justifiable excuse that deliciously fed my ego like a bacon-wrapped tater tot. Anger may successfully manipulate some people into changing their behavior (apparently not David), but it does not produce the righteousness of God. 

God does. That’s His job.

That day wasn’t the end of our struggles, but it was a turning point for us. I say us, but really it was me. It didn’t change our circumstances one bit. It didn’t get us out of debt any faster. But realizing that my anger was futile actually began to bring us both some relief and slowly led us toward a place of peace. It means a lot to David when I reflect on those years and apologize for the way I spoke to him and the things I said.

It wasn’t until our young son began having extreme episodes of rage that I truly learned the power of those two little verses in James. Our sweet boy has an intellectual disability and complex trauma, due to experiences in his young life before he was part of our family, that his brain sometimes doesn’t know what to do with. He can flip a switch in under seven seconds and the snuggle bug you were just reading a story to can turn around and come at you with an intent to injure. He’s eight years old now and it still happens often. In many ways it’s turned our lives upside down.

Little did I know that years after that car ride, I would see David covered in scratches and bite marks from our son. I often witness my husband holding our son close and speaking tenderly to him minutes after being attacked by him. I had no idea that over and over throughout these chaotic years in our son’s life, we would be forced to learn even more deeply how to practice being slow to anger. We want our son to know and understand the love of Jesus and our responses to him in these moments will point him either toward or away from encountering a Savior who offers life abundantly. More than anything we desire the righteousness of God to be produced in our son.

What a good God we have. I can see how He is building a refuge in my heart with the words of James. I say it all the time, every day. “The anger of man doesn’t produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:20, ESV) It’s my safe place. It’s my cabin in the woods. I look back and know the foundation was laid well before our son came home to us. God is calling all of us to battle our own storms of anger that can appear so quickly, like when our son’s rages seem to devour the peace in our home. 

My anger toward David did nothing to advance my agenda for his life and it has proven to be ineffective with our son as well. Accountability is different than anger. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16 (ESV) Discipline is also different than anger. “The Lord disciplines the one he loves.” Hebrews 12:6 (ESV) God instructs us to practice both of these and blesses them. But the anger of man doesn’t produce the righteousness of God. Not in your spouse or children, and not even in the person who looks back at you in the mirror.

I want the righteousness of God to be produced in my husband and in my children and in myself. I rejoice that He’s begun replacing my anger with a profound call to surrender and entrust my people and my circumstances to Him.

I want the righteousness of God to be produced in my husband and in my children and in myself. I rejoice that He’s begun replacing my anger with a profound call to surrender and entrust my people and my circumstances to Him. Notice I said “begun” because I have a long way to go and He’s just getting started with me. But I’m so thankful that, “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion” like Paul says in Philippians 1:6 (ESV). 

If we were at coffee, I would look you in the eyes with empathy and understanding and ask you this: “Hey friend, how is your anger doing? How are you treating your people? Are you willing to set anger aside and see how God works to produce His righteousness in your home?”

If you struggle with anger, don’t give up. Walk in participation with the Holy Spirit as He leads you forward. Even when you wade into conflict determined to keep your head and end up saying all the wrong things in all the wrong ways, know you’re not alone. We have a good God who is faithful and kind. His grace covers even the version of you that goes completely off the rails. He delights in His children and knows what He’s doing. Keep going. Just wait and see what it is He will do.