Or For Worse

If you did not write your own marriage vows, you likely said some variation of this during your wedding:

“For better or for worse…”

The “for better” parts are fun. Good health. Good parenting. Good communication. Good finances. We enjoy all the good stuff. But as we all know, our marriages are not all good. Indeed, life is not all good.

Our decision to love must endure during the “or for worse” times.

Health can fail. Parenting can falter. Communication can break down. Finances can dissipate. Circumstances like these are when the “or for worse” part of our vows kicks in. What do we do in such times?

In essence, when the “or for worse” kicks in, that’s when our love must truly kick in as well. Many people tend to think of love as a feeling, and feelings are certainly involved. But true, biblical love requires a decision. We choose to love our spouses. And our choice must endure even after the warm and tingly feelings have faded. Our decision to love must endure during the “or for worse” times.

But how? How do we love our spouses during difficult seasons? We can find guidance in the Apostle Paul’s letter to the church in Corinth. In what many refer to as the love chapter, Paul writes:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Let’s focus on verse 7 briefly. Paul declares that love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Practicing this kind of love toward our spouses is always important and especially during the “or for worse” times. Here’s why:

• Protect: When things are not going well, it can be easy to view our spouses as public enemy #1. It can be easy to focus on all their flaws and all the things they are not doing. Yet, even when we don’t have the best feelings about our spouses, love still requires us to protect them. This protection may not necessarily be physical (although that’s included), but it may more likely entail protecting our spouses spiritually, emotionally, mentally, socially, etc. For instance, how do you speak about your spouse during tough times? Do you protect him/her with your words? Is your spouse’s name safe in your mouth? (If your spouse is abusing you in any way and/or threatening your health or life, you should tell someone who can help you. Protecting our spouses’ reputations should never come at the expense of our safety.) Beyond abusive or safety situations, however, we should not seek to expose our spouses.
• Trust: At first glance, this relationship advice seems nonsensical. Always trust? Is that even wise? Well, here’s what this advice does not mean: It does not mean that we should ignore proven patterns of behavior. If your spouse has displayed patterns of untruthfulness or unfaithfulness, true love does not require you to turn a blind eye to such behaviors. What “always trusting” does mean is—absent proven patterns of behavior—to assume the best about your spouse. During “or for worse” times, there will be gaps between what you expect from your spouse and what you get from your spouse. You must choose what you place in that gap. You can fill the gap with either assuming the worst of your spouse or assuming the best of your spouse. Biblical love requires that we assume the best.
• Hope: Our attitudes and expectations are always important, and they are especially important during “or for worse” times. Hope, in essence, is an expectation. When times are hard in your marriage, what do you expect? Do you expect the worst? Do you expect that things will never improve? Or do you expect the best? Do you expect to see God move? Remember, our hope is only as great as the source of our hope. For believers, our hope is a person, and His name is Jesus. Let us trust that He will bring us through anything He allows us to go through. Let’s expect to see the salvation of the Lord in our “or for worse” seasons. We may not know how He will come through, but we can know He will come through.
• Persevere: When we are going through “or for worse” times in our marriages, there are many things we should not do. Here is one of the most important: Do not give up. Let’s refuse to give up on the covenant we made before God. Let’s refuse to give up on our spouses. Let’s refuse to give up on love. Again, as with the other love mandates, this call to persevere does not include abuse, patterns of infidelity, or anything that compromises your safety. This is a call to persevere through the different seasons of life you encounter.

We cannot know when the “or for worse” times will come in our marriages, but we can know that they will come. How we navigate these times in our marriages will vary from couple to couple and from situation to situation. Yet, there are certain things all of us should do during these times. Among these are: protect, trust, hope, and persevere.

Love like your marriage depends on it—because it does.