I haven’t addressed singles who are seeking to get married in a while, so this post is designed to point them to the one thing they should never compromise on. 

I want to make a near-promise to you; it’s not absolute, but it’ll be true over 90% of the time: if two believers go to a counselor or pastor with a problematic marital issue, and both of them are earnestly seeking first God’s Kingdom and righteousness (Matthew 6:33), even if that couple isn’t particularly well matched, they can enjoy a rich, meaningful and fulfilling marriage. They may never agree about certain things, and their personalities may never be an “easy” mix, but they can build a family and forge a healthy and even enjoyable partnership.

Shared spiritual purpose is enough to carry the marriage of a couple that is truly motivated out of reverence for God. The problem issue they are facing might be sexual, relational, financial, or spiritual, but if both are motivated by God, worshippers of God, led by the Holy Spirit, eager to live for His kingdom and humbly recognize their need to seek righteousness, any decent pastor or counselor can help them find a few strategies to deal with the issue and continue their growth together.

Shared spiritual purpose is enough to carry the marriage of a couple that is truly motivated out of reverence for God.

If, however, I’m talking to a “mixed” couple—one is seeking God and one isn’t—there is often little I can do to motivate the one who is not seeking God. I will try to make an appeal on behalf of the children (which I’ve done before, and watched it fail). I can appeal to their own self-interests. But most often that counseling situation becomes one-on-one with the Christian where the pastor simply tries to help the Christian learn how to cope with their disappointment and their spouse’s actions (or inaction).

That’s why I emphasize spiritual compatibility above all else in The Sacred Search and in my talks to singles. If two people are motivated by God and worshipping God, there are very few issues (if any) that can’t be at least managed, if not fixed. But if a man doesn’t worship God and so doesn’t care that he is making God’s daughter miserable; if a woman doesn’t have the Holy Spirit-given sense of conviction and so can never see her own sin; I have to confess—many times, there’s no real way around that.

That’s why I can tell singles with confidence: if you get the spiritual compatibility right, you can have a decent marriage (provided you’re willing to work on it). If you compromise on this, marry for other reasons, and then things start to go wrong, there is little guarantee you’ll ever see a change.

I’m not saying other issues don’t matter; they do. This is about addressing the most important bedrock issue. By the way, this isn’t just my opinion—it’s also the apostle Paul’s. When he addressed widows who were considering re-marriage, his only advice was, “She is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39, NLT). 

So, singles: do you want to face a counselor who says “All we can really do here is talk about how you can cope with things being the way they are,” or, hand in hand with your spouse, both motivated by God and empowered by God, watch as the two of you grow through the issue and disagreement and come out stronger, more understanding, and even godlier?

I just can’t even conceive of entering a union without a passionate, shared commitment to following God together first and foremost, above all things.

It’s that simple. From the many couples who have invited me into their lives as a pastoral counselor, I can say that if you marry for a lesser motivation than Matthew 6:33, you risk entering a union that ends in a stalemate. If you focus on Matthew 6:33, you can have confidence of a reasonably productive and supportive relationship, regardless of the challenges you may face.

In other words, your future spouse’s spiritual maturity will be the difference between you learning to cope on your own, or the two of you learning to conquer together.

God’s presence makes such a huge difference in a marriage; worshipping him provides joy and keeps us from becoming too demanding of our spouse; his Spirit convicts us when we sin and empowers us to change; his word gives us wisdom and correction and inspiration; the message of the Gospel gives us what we need to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I just can’t even conceive of entering a union without a passionate, shared commitment to following God together first and foremost, above all things.