Every couple fights. We fight for what matters to us. Whether we fight to win an argument, to keep our thoughts to ourselves, or to communicate effectively and bring God into the center of our marriage, we are fighting. Let’s consider ways to be couples who fight for a positive space.

Since life is full of circumstances that bring about unmet expectations, everyone is going to move back and forth between the positive and negative spaces. But how can couples fight for a positive space?

Amid an uncomfortable conflict with your partner, have you wondered how you got there? Perhaps you dissected the conversations that led to that point. You might have prayerfully contemplated, “Could we have said or done something differently to avoid this?” Sometimes conflict arises because of a single incident, and other times hurt grows over hours, days or even years. However, before the issue brings you to the place of conflict, your thinking has changed.

Consider your thoughts. Review the substance of your mind in the past twenty-four hours. Have your thoughts been overwhelmingly positive, negative, or somewhere in between? If not today, then hopefully at some point in the past, you have recognized the impact that your personal thinking habits have (for better or for worse) on your relationship with your partner. If you have ever fantasized about a different life, take notice. Fantasies reveal values; if Stanley dreams about being pursued and made to feel attractive and appreciated, then he values those behaviors. It is his responsibility to take time to process, pray and make decisions to communicate about his needs and values within the context of the relationship. 

People can shift between being in a positive space with positive thoughts, feelings, and behavior and a negative space with negative thoughts, feelings, and behavior. We call this movement Switch Theory because we switch back and forth between a positive and negative space. Since life is full of circumstances that bring about unmet expectations, everyone is going to move back and forth between the positive and negative spaces. But how can couples fight for a positive space? We will share three key principles we utilize in our personal and professional lives to help ourselves and other couples fight for a positive space. The first key principle is to build awareness regarding our positive and negative spaces. While reading this article, you probably already identified whether you are in a positive or negative space. Use the chart below to become familiar with your patterns.

We also built a worksheet (below) that can be utilized to examine your positive and negative thinking patterns regarding specific situations or in general. Today, select a specific situation with your spouse. For example, you might choose “date night” as the topic. Then list positive and negative thoughts and behaviors surrounding that situation. Sample positive thoughts include: “I love date night” or “I need to get away with you.” Those thoughts might lead to positive behavior such as “planning a date night” or “saying yes to my spouse’s bid for connection.” Sample negative thoughts include: “We never have time for dates” or “I’m the only one who initiates date nights.” The negative thoughts might be followed up by negative behavior such as “changing the subject when my spouse brings up date night” or “complaining when another couple talks about going on a date.” Once you have documented some of your positive 

and negative thoughts and behaviors, the next step is to consider ways you might fight for a positive space.

Someone who fights for a positive space might spend time becoming aware of what moves them toward a positive or negative space, they may ask for what they need, or they may practice self-care so they’re operating with a full(ish) cup. They might train themselves to pray when they feel themselves drift toward a negative space, inviting God to help them take their thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).  How people fight for a positive space will vary some, but another key principle we believe is important is that when we are hurting, our thoughts and feelings can lead us to dangerous places as a protective coping mechanism.

We tend to operate similarly to Adam and Eve in the garden. If we sin, we often want to hide and make excuses.

Something we have noticed about humans is sometimes we think we are fighting for a positive space, but really, we are avoiding the issue. I (Ashley) have told myself to be thankful and spend my energy on good things instead of my hurt feelings. This sounds wonderful at first, but it can also look like avoiding difficult conversations. If we delay those tensions too long, we may feel stuck or grow resentful. It is important to evaluate whether your behavior is actually helpful. As Christians, you’d think it would always feel natural to bring God into these circumstances, but it turns out that it can feel difficult to pray about unmet expectations, especially when we wrestle with sinful behavior. We tend to operate similarly to Adam and Eve in the garden. If we sin, we often want to hide and make excuses. The text does not outline Adam or Eve’s thoughts, but we can see that in Genesis 3:7, Eve no longer had her eye on God but locked in on the tree’s goodness and the appealing fruit. She could have called out to God, but instead, she allowed her heart to be pulled in the direction of the enemy. When she did this, she gave her own desire priority over God. If we work to fight this tendency by inviting God into our most shameful moments, He will lead us to victory. The final key principle today is: We can Fight for a Positive Space by Bringing God into our Negative Spaces. First John 1:5 (NIV) says, “God is light. In Him there is no darkness at all.” When we bring the Prince of Light into our circumstances, He will illuminate the path and eradicate the darkness.

God’s way is perfect (Psalm 18:30), so if we are trying to perfect our relationship with our spouse, we will do it best if we bring God into the center of our relationship. He will help us become more aware of our positive and negative thinking and behavioral patterns and equip us to fight for a positive space as couples.