I Know I Should Forgive, but How?

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (ESV)

We have instructions like this throughout the New Testament. Instructions about how we are to treat others. When it comes to friends and family, people who are like-minded and generally nice, verses like Ephesians 4:32 seem easy to apply. We agree that the world would be a better place if people were kind to each other and more tenderhearted or compassionate. We are grateful for the forgiveness God has shown us through Jesus Christ. 

The world would be a better place if people were kind to each other and more tenderhearted or compassionate.

But when we have been hurt, betrayed, or wronged, commands like the one found in Ephesians 4:32 and others like it seem impossible. We’d rather hang on to the hurt, hold it against the other person, and hope that he or she experiences justice for their actions. In a world of cancel culture, we want to ensure that the person in the wrong is acutely aware of just how offended we are and to feel the weight of their mistake in a public or profound way. 

But there is no place for cancel culture in God’s Kingdom. As a follower of Jesus, we are called to a different, more difficult response. A response motivated by love. 

Why? 

The end of Ephesians 4:32 spells it out for us – because God has forgiven us. 

Romans 5:8 describes it like this: “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

As a sinner, we are an enemy of God. We have wronged him, offended him, rejected him, ignored him, disobeyed him, and betrayed him. Our words and actions have broken our relationship with him beyond repair. We deserve justice. In fact, we deserve death (Romans 6:23). 

And yet, through Jesus’ death on the cross, God reveals just how much He loves us. The debt we owe has been canceled. The broken relationship has been restored. We are forgiven of all of our sins—past, present, and future. 

When it comes to earthly relationships, we are meant to reflect God’s heart to the world. This means whenever we are wronged, we remember that no matter how badly we’ve been offended, it doesn’t come close to how deeply we’ve offended Yahweh – the Almighty God, our Holy Creator. And if God is able to look on us and extend forgiveness, then we can look on our offender and offer them forgiveness, too. 

How? 

Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:43-45 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.” (NIV)

When someone hurts us, we start by praying for them:

• Pray God’s blessing over their lives 
• Pray for their healing; that their hearts will be softened to the things of God
• Pray for their salvation if they are not a follower of Jesus
• Pray that you can see them in the same manner that God sees them 

By praying these things over the person who has wronged you, you can separate the sin from the sinner. We are meant to reject sinful behaviors but not the person. By extending forgiveness even to our perceived enemies, it changes our perspective and reminds us of God’s plan. His goal is to turn His enemies into His children. And we are asked to play a part in that! 

So what do you ultimately want for people around you? Pain and hardship? Eternal separation from their Creator? Or do you want good for them? Do you want their lives to be changed through a relationship with Jesus Christ? Do you want them to experience peace and love and joy? 

These are the questions we must wrestle with, the conversations we need to have with the Lord. Because it is only by seeing our offenders as God’s beloved children that we can fully offer forgiveness. 

It is only by seeing our offenders as God’s beloved children that we can fully offer forgiveness.

A Critical Point

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you forget how they hurt you. Their offense may be helpful in showing you a boundary you need to place in your life. It may mean you step away from that friendship, or get help so that you can leave an abusive relationship. Forgiveness does not mean you are a doormat for people to treat you terribly. 

The Key

Forgiveness protects your heart from bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness allows you to move on and trust God both with your life and theirs. It allows you to grow deeper in your faith and your understanding of God’s heart. It gives you an opportunity to live out Scripture and become more like Jesus. 

After all, We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). And we can’t offer forgiveness if we don’t love God’s children…even the ones who have hurt us.