The following helpful observations are a product of interviews conducted with community professionals in the fields of medicine and education who have developed rich and meaningful relationships with their children throughout their lives and now into adulthood. My hope is that you may benefit from their wisdom concerning parenting, launching children and flourishing in the “empty nester” years.

“The boys will be gone soon so it would be good to think about what you want to do instead of stay home and cry.”

Her husband’s words surprised Sue Dettmer. With two daughters in college, life was busy with sports events, college visits, and keeping two teen sons fed.

Parenting is a season. And like all seasons, parenting has a beginning and an end.

Parenting is a season. And like all seasons, parenting has a beginning and an end.

Not soon enough for some and far too quickly for others, your child becomes an adult. Following 18 years as the authority in the parent-child relationship, now that relationship becomes adult-to-adult.

“Be excited for your child, less about you, and no guilt. Let them know they are capable and they are loved,” said Judy Anderson, retired principal and parent of two adult children.

Grown children launch from the nest to pursue education, career, their own address, or a relationship. Parents enter the empty nest season.

Complicated emotions naturally accompany the shift in family dynamics as parenting duties shrink. “Our transitions are not their problems,” said Dettmer. “And healthy adult children are not our possessions.”

Empty nest, what next?

Embrace the empty nest season by getting healthy.

“Don’t be a needy empty nester,” Dettmer said. “Of course you don’t like to let go of what you loved. Instead of seeing this season of letting go as the loss of their childhood, see it as embracing life with an adult child.”

Reengage with your spouse for relationship health

• recall why you first fell in love
• build shared touch points into your marriage
• seek counseling and resources to strengthen your marriage

Assess your physical wellness.

·   Get a medical check-up including blood work

·   Schedule regular dental cleanings

• Consult a nutritionist about nutrition-rich foods and hydration
• Add movement and activity into your routine

Exercise improves abilities and attitude. Mary and Marvin refurbished homes into vacation rentals. Jim and Denise purchased a bicycle made for two and cycled as far as Alaska. Doris began running marathons. Joyce and Steve walk regularly with friends. 

Refresh your soul with the Sabbath rest outlined in Exodus 23:12, “Six days you shall do your work, but on the seventh day you shall rest … that you may be refreshed” (ESV).

• Sleep: seven to eight hours nightly
• Stillness: for Bible reading
• Solitude: to hear God
• Sabbath: weekly do what refreshes your soul
• Connect with caring relationships

Financial fitness

Letting go involves allowing an adult child to be personally responsible for their actions, behavior, choices, and finances.

Letting go involves allowing an adult child to be personally responsible for their actions, behavior, choices, and finances.

“Some adult kids need reminding that parents do not have to fund life after 18,” said Pam Farrel. Pam and Bill launched three sons. “Help from parents is a gift to be appreciated. Most young adults are thinking through these issues and feel relieved you care enough to discuss them.”

If you’ve paid for your child’s car insurance, phone, or medical bills let them know when those will be in their care. Have a conversation about who will fund college.

When kids reach adulthood, update

• insurances
• guardianship
• living trust
• will
• life directives
• finances
• your estate

Once Dale’s kids became adults, he met with a lawyer. With adult children, their spouses, and an increasing number of grandchildren, Dale made preparations for the future harmonious transition of his estate.

Faith matters

Find spiritual growth, friendships, group activities, and mission work through involvement in church. Mentors and peers help parents navigate the adult-to-adult relationship with grown children.

Suzi and Craig’s relationship with their adult child improved when they became involved with translating Scripture and distributing Bibles. Meaningful work meant the parents no longer relied on their grown child to fill their emotional tank. 

Empty nest, full life

Taking her husband’s advice, Dettmer earned her counseling degree. MaryBeth and Ed became master gardeners, Patty and Jim encouraged youth as leaders in 4-H. Mary and Marvin refurbished homes and turned them into vacation rentals. One couple purchased an RV and took to the road.

The end of the parenting season can feel abrupt. Days packed with appointments for braces, carpools, extracurricular activities, homework, and keeping teens fed ends nearly overnight. The shift moves from constant doing to being available. Listening, not telling, and being a safe place to occasionally come home to.

As you adjust to the empty nest, allow yourself to feel your emotions, grieve what has changed, and look ahead to the growth and possibilities ahead. If a parent lapses into depression that lasts more than several weeks or has difficulty functioning at the usual rate, talk with a counselor, mentor, or fellow parent who can give you wise direction on navigating the empty nest syndrome.

No strings

“Be the person your adult kids like to be with,” Dettmer said.

As adults together, time with grown kids is ideal to treat one another with grace, love, and respect. “…Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another,” Jesus said in (John 13:34,NIV) .

Expectations are offenses waiting to happen. Once children have their own adult lives, holidays and vacation traditions from childhood rarely work. Employment, school, or a family of their own fill the adult child’s schedule with activities for their spouse, children, in-laws, work, church, friends, and hobbies. Ask if they are available to get together.

“I learned early on not to waste the time with my adult child complaining about the time we were not together,” said Mary Ann. “My husband and I told our adult kids, ‘You are always invited but never obligated.’”

Embrace the opportunities available in the empty nest season of parenting.

“Celebrate your child becoming an adult,” Dettmer said. “It’s great for us to be with them and then great for us to go off on the wonderful things my husband and I wanted to do together.”