What Can You Do with Scary Thoughts about Divorce?

^{Encouragement and support when you think your marriage is in trouble.}

More than half of married individuals have thought at some time that their marriage was in serious trouble; about 25% at any specific time have had thoughts about divorce in the last six months.[i] And these numbers don’t discriminate on the basis of religion. My research shows that among spouses who attend religious services frequently and who say religion is important to them, the numbers are just the same.

Most of these thoughts are “softer” and infrequent while some are “harder” and nearly constant. But soft or hard, rare or frequent, thoughts about divorce are scary. And they can be especially scary for highly religious couples because they signal not only a possible family breakup and the dashing of temporal dreams but also a breach of a covenant with God.

I have been studying how to build strong marriages for 30+ years and, specifically, the challenge of “divorce ideation” for almost a decade now., I’d like to share a few brief perspectives that I think can make thoughts about divorce less scary and what to do with those thoughts.

First, as the numbers above show, thinking about divorce is common, even for the religious. You don’t have to think that you are alone in your struggles, though; over time, most couples will experience doubts about their marriage. But should this really surprise us? We live in a society in which divorce is common[ii] and expectations for marriage are high[iii] – not to mention all the forces working against stable marriages in our society. (Pick your personal favorites: pornography, inequality, work-ism, hyper-individualism, and so on . . .) So, when problems arise, it’s almost impossible for spouses not to have thoughts about whether the relationship can go the distance and provide hoped-for joy and growth. So, cut yourself a little slack and don’t overreact to these scary thoughts.

Second, instead of seeing thoughts about divorce as a signal that your marriage is falling short or falling apart, see it as a timely indicator that you have work to do on your relationship. This shouldn’t surprise us either that we need to work on our relationships. One of the most fundamental laws of the physical universe basically says that the world is falling apart; things are going from order to chaos. (Anyone who is responsible for cleaning bathrooms, kitchens, and children’s bedrooms understands this.) It took divine power to bring order and meaning to the chaos of the universe. The natural state of the world is disorder; it’s order that requires explanation. But regular inputs of energy and intentional work can prevent chaos and keep systems ordered.

There is a clear parallel here between physical systems and relationship systems. Relationships too just naturally fall apart … unless we put intentional and smart energy into them to keep them strong and growing. So, the appropriate response to a scary thought about divorce is to roll up your relationship sleeves and get to work. Or, in other words: seek out some help.

Seeking help is one of the strongest ways to show relationship commitment to our spouse and to affirm your belief in the divine purposes of marriage. Sure, sometimes we’ve just been neglectful; maybe we’ve been going through a busy or especially stressful period of life. So, what’s needed here is just a reset, more intentional day-to-day energy: time to talk and laugh, express gratitude, cuddle and touch, share a sweet memory, and greet each other at the door with a long, juicy kiss.

There is a clear parallel here between physical systems and relationship systems. Relationships too just naturally fall apart … unless we put intentional and smart energy into them to keep them strong and growing. So, the appropriate response to a scary thought about divorce is to roll up your relationship sleeves and get to work. Or, in other words: seek out some help.

But other times we need specific help for specific challenges at specific times. This isn’t a sign that your relationship is headed south but a recognition that it takes ongoing work to maintain a strong bond. Many people who have had recent thoughts about divorce start seeking help in a private way with self-help strategies. 40% say they have read a book on strengthening marriage and 45% say they have browsed a website or listened to a podcast. Research tells us that most people who do this find it helpful.[iv]

The most common self-help strategy, however, is talking to others. We all benefit from good support systems for our relationships. Some research suggests that confiding in others about relationship struggles can be helpful – when done the right way.[v] There are better and worse ways to do it.

The most common self-help strategy, however, is talking to others.

Here are some commonsense guidelines I recommend:

1. Be upfront and let your partner know that you want to talk to others to get their wisdom on how to maintain a strong relationship. Seek your partner’s permission. Let them know that you are looking for help, not griping about her or him. Then report back to your partner about these conversations and what you learned. (Avoid any hint of secrecy or disloyalty.) And make sure the person you talk to can be trusted to keep your conversation in confidence.
2. Choose people to talk to who will be cheerleaders for your relationship. When people are listening to others talk about their marriage or romantic relationship, research shows that it’s pretty common for them to quickly take your side of things and sympathize with your struggles.[vi]
   Make sure that the person you are talking to knows that you are interested in their generous listening ear and their wisdom, not in a pity party or in an unpaid analysis of your problems. Clarify that you welcome their perspective and personal experiences. But if they offer specific advice for fixing a problem, be a little cautious. And if they become critical of your spouse, tell them that you are not asking for a referee of who is right and wrong. Instead, maybe you can encourage them to honestly point out your own possible contributions to the problem.
3. Do not divulge intimate details and avoid accusations; you can be more general and still get valuable perspectives. (“With our busy schedules, we are struggling to make the time to really connect physically and emotionally. How do you handle this challenge?” instead of, “My husband is always so tired when he comes home that he hasn’t touched me in months! He wants a mother, not a wife!”)

When people are experiencing some struggles, they often naturally want to talk to others about those struggles. We are human and wired to connect. Talking to trusted and mature others about your relationship questions can help you develop valuable perspectives and give you ideas for how to strengthen your relationship. But you need to do it the right way or you may end up making things worse.

My research shows that private, self-help strategies are the most common way of working on a relationship.[vii] But maybe you feel the need to get some help beyond your own private tutoring.

Marriage Workshops:
About 15% of struggling couples invest in a marriage enrichment workshop to improve their relationship skills. Many more could do so. Many churches and community organizations offer these workshops regularly. A lot of research shows that these kinds of workshops, whether given in a secular or religious setting – can be effective.[viii] Some faith-based organizations even have intensive weekend retreats for couples who are really struggling and see a divorce on the horizon.[ix]

Professional counseling:
Sometimes personal or couple therapy can be the energy that your relationship needs. About a third of struggling spouses seek out couple counseling and research documents most couples benefit from it.[x] About the same percentage invest in some personal counseling (in addition to couple counseling or just on their own). And about 20% seek out counseling from a pastor or other religious leader. (If you are experiencing abuse in your marriage, I especially encourage you to seek out competent counseling. Self-help strategies will not be enough in these circumstances.)

Obviously, these help-seeking strategies are not mutually exclusive. Most prefer private, self-help seeking strategies, but my research shows that about 5% of spouses who have had recent thoughts about divorce really lean in and do most or all of these strategies together: read a book, go to a class, and get some religious and secular counseling.[xi] That’s really working hard and showing your commitment to keeping your marriage strong!
Yes, thoughts about divorce can be scary, but God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Yes, there are times when marriage covenants have been irretrievably broken and divorce is necessary and right. But more often than not, relationships can be reinvigorated or repaired with some energy and smart work.

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^{[ii] National Marriage Project. (2022). State of our unions: 2022. National Marriage Project, Wheatley Institution, BYU School of Family Life. (See p. 43).}

^{[iii] Finkel, E. J. (2017). The all-or-nothing marriage: How the best marriages work. Dutton.} 

^{[iv] Galovan, A. M., Hawkins, A. J., Harris, S. M., & Simpson, D. M. (2021). What are they doing? A national survey of relationship-repair behavior of individuals who are thinking about divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48, 371-390. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12480}

^{[v] Seal, K. L., Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2016). Confiding about problems in marriage and long-term committed relationships: A national study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42, 438-450. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12134}  

^{[vi] Seal, K. L., Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2016). Confiding about problems in marriage and long-term committed relationships: A national study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42, 438-450. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12134}  

^{[vii] Galovan, A. M., Hawkins, A. J., Harris, S. M., & Simpson, D. M. (2021). What are they doing? A national survey of relationship-repair behavior of individuals who are thinking about divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48, 371-390. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12480}

^{[viii] Markman, H. J., Hawkins, A. J., Stanley, S. M., Halford, W. K., & Rhoades, G. K. (2022). Helping couples achieve relationship success: A decade of progress in couple relationship education research and practice, 2010-2019. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48, 251-282. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12565}

^{[ix] For example, see the “Live the Life” ministry’s “Hope Weekend”: https://www.livethelife.org/hope-weekend.}

^{[x] Roddy, M. K., Walsh, L. M., Rothman, K., Hatch, S. G., & Doss, B. D. (2020). Meta-analysis of couple therapy: Effects across outcomes, designs, timeframes, and other moderators. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 88(7), 583–596. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000514[xi] Galovan, A. M., Hawkins, A. J., Harris, S. M., & Simpson, D. M. (2021). What are they doing? A national survey of relationship-repair behavior of individuals who are thinking about divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48, 371-390. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12480}

If you have been having thoughts about divorce and want to dive deeper into your questions about this, here is a book I have written: ^{Should I Try to Work It Out?}

^{[i] Hawkins, A. J., Galovan, A., Harris, S. M., Allen, S. E., Allen, S. M., Roberts, K. M., & Schramm, D. G. (2017). What are they thinking? A national-sample study of stability and change in divorce ideation. Family Process, 56, 852-868. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12299}